Choosing a life partner is one of the most crucial decisions that one can make in life.
Although their personal preferences remain highly subjective, research on attachment theory and on psychology and relationships has shown that women tend to look for the same things in long-term partnerships.
Awareness of these characteristics may contribute to understanding what works in relationships.
Emotional Intelligence and Attunement
Partnership success is directly related to emotional intelligence.
Most women look for affective regulators in a partner.
These are people who can control and respond to their own emotional reaction without withdrawing and ‘shutting down’ in moments of conflict.
Emotional intelligence is composed of:
- Emotional awareness. Becoming aware of feelings. Correctly identifying them instead of avoiding or dismissing feelings.
- Empathic responsiveness. Being able to empathize with a partner and not make it about oneself.
- Affective communication. Bearing emotions and taking them without feeling defensive.
The emotionally intelligent partner will create and sustain psychological safety in conflict situations.
Reliability and Behavioral Consistency
Consistency is about understanding rather than perfection.
An example of this is women appreciating partners whose behaviors over the long haul match their promises.
This forms an attachment that psychologists define as “earned secure attachment.”
Indicators include:
- Follow-through. Completing promises made, even the little ones.
- Emotional availability. Presence in the good times and in the bad times.
- Pattern stability. Responses to a situation are predictable as opposed to unpredictable and unstructured.
If a partner’s reactions are behaviorally predictable, the other partner can reduce their mental vigilance and focus more of their mental effort on the intimacy part of a relationship.
Safety is what the brain files under ‘predictability’. This is where more of the relationship’s intimacy can live.
Mutual Respect and Autonomy Support
In healthy relationships, togetherness and individuation are in balance. The process of maintaining a distinct sense of self within a partnership.
Women will always appreciate those who support personal development over those who are threatened by it.
Respect manifests through:
- Autonomy honoring. Supporting career ambitions, friendships, and personal interests without resentment
- Intellectual respect. Valuing opinions and perspectives even during disagreement
- Boundary acknowledgment. Recognizing that “no” is a complete sentence
Couples who treat each other with true respect do not perceive the success of their significant other as a threat or their autonomy as a desertion.
They recognize that differentiation is, in effect, enhancing relationship building by uniting two complete people, not two halves in search of wholeness.
Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution
The Gottman Institute emphasizes that successful couples do not escape conflict; they address conflict positively.
Women tend to prioritize partners who make “repair attempts” during conflict.
Good communicators:
- Listen. They hold their responses until they can first reflect on what they have heard.
- Non-defensively engage. They do not reply with a justification or a counterattack.
- Problem-solve. They see the issue as “us versus the problem,” rather than “you versus me.”
Such competencies eliminate the build-up of unresolved issues.
When couples talk with each other in a healthy manner, don’t get stuck on the past, don’t avoid each other, and don’t disengage from each other, they can sustain the quality of their relationship for decades.
Shared Values and Life Vision
Though opposites can be attractive initially, studies on the long-term satisfaction of relationships have revealed that value congruency is a stronger predictor of the longevity of a partnership than personality similarity.
Women seek congruence in:
- Core priorities. Whether family, career, adventure, or community takes precedence
- Financial philosophy. Saving, spending, and resource allocation
- Growth orientation. Devotion to individual development and relationship development
These pillars need not be identical. They have to be compatible.
When couples align their goals, navigating life’s challenges becomes less daunting.
Strengthen Your Relationships
Whether you are considering a relationship or are already in one, the psychological aspects of relationships can impact how you experience intimacy.
At Mental Health Counselor PLLC, our therapists specialize in:
- Attachment patterns
- Communication skills
- Relationship health
We provide individual and couples therapy to help you establish the kind of secure and fulfilling relationships you deserve.
FAQs
What if my partner lacks all these traits?
No one is ideal in everything we desire. It is through relationships that development takes place.
Ask yourself whether or not your partner is ready to develop in the areas where they’re weak.
Are these gender specific traits?
Although a feminine focus is evident here, these traits are relevant to all gender attitudes and forms of association! These are universally desirable in healthy partnerships.
Can therapy help to improve these characteristics in individuals?
Absolutely. Direct therapeutic interventions that specifically focus on emotional regulation, communication, and attachment security skills include:
- CBT
- EFT