It starts with one thing. You’re frustrated they forgot to call. Or they’re upset you made plans without asking.
Then it escalates. Old stuff gets dragged in. And somewhere in the middle of it, something changes, you’re not talking about what happened anymore. You’re talking about who they are.
That’s when the real damage happens.
When Fighting Hurts More Than It Should
There’s a difference between “I’m frustrated you forgot” and “You’re so irresponsible.” One talks about a moment. The other questions their entire character.
That second kind sticks, and your partner starts carrying it around.
They think maybe you’re right and that maybe they are irresponsible, selfish, whatever word got thrown out.
Psychologists call this attacking someone’s core sense of self, and it does real damage.
Their self-esteem takes gets affected. They start doubting themselves in ways that go beyond the original fight.
What Protects Someone’s Sense of Worth
Not all arguments wreck self-esteem. Some couples fight and come out fine.
What helps:
- Talking about the specific thing that happened
- Starting with how you feel instead of what’s wrong with them
- Remembering out loud that they’re usually good at this thing
- Stopping when you’re about to say something mean
What hurts:
- Calling them names or labeling who they are
- Comparing them to other people
- Rolling your eyes like what they said is stupid
- Using “always” and “never” to make them sound hopeless
Dr. John Gottman spent decades watching couples and found that contempt; when you look at your partner like they’re beneath you, predicts divorce better than anything else.
Because contempt is what kills self-esteem. And eventually, relationships.
How to Be Mad Without Making Them Feel Small
You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. You just have to be careful about where you aim.
- Talk about what they did, not who they are. ‘‘You didn’t call when you said you would’’ not ‘‘You’re unreliable’’
- Mention what you know about them. “You’re usually so good about this” reminds them one mistake doesn’t just define them
- Be aware of when you’re starting to lose your cool. You might feel your chest tightening, your voice getting louder
- Let them explain. Sometimes they just need to feel heard before anything gets solved
- Ask what’s actually going on. “Are you okay?” can shift everything
This is emotional regulation in therapy terms. In real life, it’s just remembering they’re not your enemy.
Related: How to Talk About Boundaries When Your Partner Resists
Signs Their Self-Esteem Is Getting Affected
Sometimes you don’t realize how much the fighting is affecting them.
- They apologize for everything now, even tiny things
- They stopped saying what they want or need
- They seem quieter, smaller somehow
- They repeat the critical things you’ve said, like they believe them now
- Everything feels tense, like they’re waiting for the next blow
If all of this seems all too familiar, then perhaps the harm goes far deeper than was initially assumed.
What first emerges as conflict can later turn into a cycle of defensive communication or even learned helplessness.
A therapist can help both of you begin working through it before it becomes set in stone.
Fighting Without Breaking Each Other
Conflict doesn’t have to tear someone down. You can disagree, even strongly, without making your partner have to question their worth.
The only fights that matter are the ones that you protect each other even when you’re unhappy.
Where someone can mess up without becoming the mess-up.
At Mental Health Counselor PLLC, we help couples learn to argue without destroying each other’s self-esteem.
Our therapists get that you’re going to disagree, that’s normal.
What matters is keeping each other intact while you figure things out. We meet in person or online, whatever fits your schedule.
Tired of fights that leave scars? Talk to us.
FAQs
Do arguments really harm self-esteem?
Yes! If a person is repeatedly told that they just are not good enough, they do start believe it.
How do I know if I’ve dinged their self-esteem?
They may:
- Withdraw
- Continually apologize
- Appear to be treading on eggshells around you
What if I’ve already said something really hurtful?
- Own it
- Explain to them what you said was wrong
- Tell them you didn’t mean it
- Show them by not doing it again in the future